Goodbye to my 2016-2017 Love

I’m writing this in a corner of a café in BGC that a guy I fell in love with last 2016 introduced me to. Once upon a time, he criticized me for my love of Starbucks. He then told me he’ll bring me to some quaint café and have me try out real coffee. For almost 2 years now, I still keep on coming back to this café. I’m not sure if I keep on coming back because of the ambience, food, or the fact that it reminds me of our little space facing the passersby and how we work on our stuff on our own laptops and occasionally lean our heads on each other’s shoulders.

He felt safe. He felt comfortable. He felt like home.

He doesn’t know I was in love with him though --- I still am. Everything was casual between us. We both liked each other’s company and at that moment, that was enough for the both of us. But then I felt like I wanted more. That ruined everything.

I was too scared to ask for more so I just decided not to tell him and I felt the need to run away from my feelings. It just ended and we both acted like nothing happened. I thought that would be for the best for the both of us. Now I feel kind of selfish for deciding for the two of us.

As the end of the year approaches, I want to let him go. I think I’m still a little bit in love with him. I thought about it. I thought I was only in love with the idea of him --- tall, blonde hair, blue eyes. But the more I think about it, I loved the way he’d call me out for laughing at things I should take more seriously. I loved his crappy taste for Netflix movies and how I always find new ways to not complain about it. Who would complain? I would grab any chance I get to cuddle with him or just see him even from afar.

But I have to let him go. I know for a fact that he doesn’t feel the same and I’m only holding on to an illusion of building real romance between the two of us. He was more of a fantasy that I was holding on for too long.

It was a fun two-year run. It’s time for me to stop staring at my phone for months hoping you’ll send me a message and wishing for you to care about what I’m doing or going through. It’s time for me to accept that all of my “what ifs” will never happen and I gotta work on “what is”

2018 is going to be different for me… because I’m saying goodbye to you.