A Break From Heart Breaks

For the past few years, I have been denying the fact that I have real human feelings. I’ve been joking around that I’m dead inside or I have no soul or heart to be broken or enliven. I guess I’m just good at masking both the butterflies and the demons.

For every heart break, my first instinct would blame the other person. I dwell on his undesirable features and characteristics. Then, I blame the circumstances. I sulk on the belief that we were never meant to be together for the rest of our lives. He was only meant to pass through and teach me a lesson. He was only destined to make me stronger and not to be my source of strength.

But throughout all of these years, I have learned to acknowledge my contributions to my heart breaks. I realized that I have put myself in those situations and I gave them the power and opportunities to break my heart.

It took a while when I realized … I was breaking my own heart.

It takes experience to gain this wisdom. In my case, I reaped a lot of it. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t regret any of it. Why regret anything that gave you a lesson to learn? I always come out stronger and wiser which makes me thankful for it.

I allowed myself to love. I never saw it as a form of weakness. In fact, allowing yourself to love is the bravest thing one could do. You submit yourself to rays of infatuations which then progress to outbursts of pure unfiltered love. You open your heart and mind to all possibilities and you will find yourself slowly giving a part of your soul to him.

Then for some reason, your love falls apart and so does your world. Your outbursts of pure unfiltered love becomes an explosion of hatred and disgust and you find yourself picking up the broken pieces.

At this point, I have to bravely admit that I am still in search for the other pieces. I keep on allowing myself to love and be broken over and over. I may be a little desperate for love at some point but then I realized that I needed to put the pieces back together first before I can give my whole self to someone who really deserves it. And through time, I figured that the most effective and strongest adhesive to put my self back together is self-love.

This time, I’m giving my self a break.

I’m giving myself the time and space I need to put the pieces back together. I won’t force it. I’ll still try and open my doors to opportunities but I’ll just let nature take its course on this one. Maybe I’ll meet him at the bus stop? Or the supermarket? Or the gym? But I won’t come looking for Mr. Right anymore.

Because I'll be too busy being Ms. Right.